I fell asleep, i haven't fallen asleep at this time for quite some time now. Since the semester break began at this time i'd be either sitting in front of my laptop staring at an empty screen or reading things i've read a thousand times before but never before i've fallen asleep at this hour,not even napping.

All around me people are busy with their own stuff, with their own responsibilities. Things to do. Families to attend to. Friends to hang out with, results be damned. Life goes on for them, things like this cuts no ice with them. Not for me. For all the reassurance and the attempted humour at my predicament i keep pinching my face every single day, desperately trying to tell myself that this is a just a long,continuous bad dream and if try hard enough i'd wake up to the smell of freshly fried fish fillet and scrambled eggs accompanied with a holler from Mak trying desperately to rouse me from sleep.

Well, it ain't a dream. Waking up every day itself is a challenge for me, every time i opened my eyes those numbers and letters came mocking me, i'd force myself to wake up for my morning prayers. But then i'd fall right asleep again, hell even if i couldn't i would force myself to fall asleep again for a few hours more. I know i am not supposed to sleep after sunrise. But what can i do when the only relief from the shitty reality is to sail off into a dreamless sleep. There is nothing left for me to do. People can come and look at me and declare "Well, its not as bad as it thought it to be, i've seen worse" Well, fuck them. Fuck you if you have that kind of thought in mind. All the effort through out the semesters to get some decent results and it all comes down to this, all blown to hell.

I woke up with a mild headache, must have been the cushion.

I just want to let all this negativity, all this frustration, all this anger out in the open where it can do no harm to her, to my family, to anybody. I'm tired of being this vessel of hate. I just want to let it out in a non-destructive way. I won't question God, i know He's got something in store for me. He might think this as a joke but i'm not laughing. I'll just have to believe that somehow behind this there is a part for me to play in His Grand Scheme of Things, i'll just have to accept that for now but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't feel anything about all this.