Silver Lining

Kebelakangan ini aku acapkali terlupa yang indah itu hanya akan jadi indah kalau yang buruk-buruk belaka ditempuhi dulu.

Who needs a driver?

Time Warp

Just watched District 9 on DVD. I really like the message they're trying to put forward:

Don't eat prawns.

I mean...don't be a fucking Nazi. Spread the love yaw!!

Back to Basics

I like this. Stopping the reliance on others and relying on your pure muscle power to get things done, ingenuity when the situation calls for it. Its not done yet. Consider this Phase 2.5 of the project. Hopefully by mid next year them four footed ruminants would have arrived, bleatings, smells and all.

Politika

Politics is everywhere you see.

Itu yang aku paling ingat masa aku belajar Law and Politics suatu ketika dulu, tapi aku sedikit konfius dari mana aku dengar itu. Mungkin di ekstrak dari salah satu lecture cum political indoctrination session Mr (now Haji) Ermo yang paling aku ambik pot ataupun dari buku A.C Kapoor yang aku sampai sekarang masih belum khatam. Aku rasa dari A.C. Kapoor kot.

Aku bukan lah peminat paling besar tentang perkembangan politik, terutama nya sekarang ini. Sengaja aku membutakan mata, memekakkan telinga dan membisukan mulut bila hal2 sebegini di bincangkan. Kalau ada yang membicarakan dalam sepelaung sekali pun aku sanggup angkat punggung lari ke tempat lain, malas mau tau. Sensitif. Boleh bawak merah2 muka dan tegang segala urat.

Kononnya mau mempraktikkan self-imposed isolation umpama Tokugawa Shogunate dari segala benda politik akan tetapi di zaman precision bombing dan Youtube ini segala usaha untuk menapis segala informasi yang sampai kepada kita itu sebenarnya sedikit bengong, akan ada saja benda yang buat kita tergelak bila baca di surat khabar atau yang membuatkan kita mengurut2 dada bila di lihat di belog. Maka aku cuma mampu bisukan mulut lantaran mata yang disogok belog dan telinga yang terdengar radio(bila dalam kereta), proses apa yang dilihat dan didengar , pendapat aku aku seorang saja yang tau, hinggakan hari ini lah.

3 hari lalu kereta Bonda yang tersayang telah di sondol dari belakang (bahasa lembutnya ikut orang kampung izmil; rear ended) dengan rakus oleh seorang pemuda yang behalusinasi disiang hari mengakibatkan kecederaan parah kepada bumper belakang kereta Mak. Lantaran itu si Wira hitam itu terpaksa bermalam di Gombak selama 2 malam sebelum di jemput oleh kami (aku dan Mak) pagi tadi. Maka naik LRT lah kami dan selepas itu dek kerana menunggu bas T228 yang tak kunjung tiba Mak betitah bahawa kerana bas Rapid itu sengal maka kami akan ke Taman Greenwood dengan menaiki teksi, kenderaan yang menjadi topik hangat sekarang ini.

Mak sememangnya datang ke dunia dengan naturenya yang ringan mulut, memang mudah menegur orang yang tidak dikenali, senang membuat kawan dan di sebabkan awkward silence yang tak sampai 10 minit dia pun mengorak langkah memula bicara dengan pakcik teksi yang senyap dari tadi lagi. " Pakcik, apa yang Nazri Aziz cakap kat parlimen sampai drebar2 teksi suruh dia letak jawatan tu?"

Benar lah kata orang tua2, air yang tenang jangan disangka tiada buaya. Pakcik teksi yang tadi diam membatu yang dari riak wajah nya yang tak berperasaan itu sebenarnya memendam rasa, maka berhamburan lah segala rasa tidak puas hati. Dia sebenarnya mengambil fair comment yang dibuat diParlimen itu at face value*. Katanya (katanya) dia dulu pernah bekerja dibawah Dato Seri Nazri Aziz suatu ketika dulu dan dia memang masak dengan sifat Dato' Seri yang sememangnya brutally honest itu cuma dia sangat terasa tentang komen terbaru yang hangat dibicara kan sekarang ni kerana beliau adalah sebahagian dari industri yang di kritik keras itu. Dari isu teksi melompat ke entahmana pulak dia sambung lagi "Pakcik ni orang Negeri Sembilan, kalau dikelar2 lengan ni keluar darah UMNO saja ni ha, satu family pakcik memang orang UMNO dari dulu lagi" kata nya antara lain sambil tangan kirinya tertunding2 penuh emosi sampaikan tertunding lutut kanan aku,geli tergeletek sebentar. Katanya lagi dia kecewa dengan apa yang terjadi dengan UMNO dibawah pemerintahan Dr M, rosak luar dalam kata nya dan dia turut menyampaikan mini lecturenya tentang penting nya moral integriti kepada seseorang pemimpin itu, lengkap dengan contoh sekali. Rancak mendengar luahan rasa seorang pemerhati politik sedar2 sudah sampai ke tempat di tuju dan pakcik teksi tadi masih belum puas meluah rasa" Pakcik ni bukan apa.limaringgitnamplosendik, Pakcik ni kecewa lah, kejap2pakcikambikmasaseminitjeni, negara kita jadi macam ni.. Melihatkan duit tambang yang dihulur mak sambil tersenyum lebar dia sedar yang kami memang nak keluar dan sememangnya nak cepat." Eh, kalau kamu ni orang UMNO pakcik mintak maaf lah ye pakcik cakap apa yang pakcik rasa je" ujar dia sambik membuat disclaimer. Aku yang diam dari tadi membalas "Takpe2 kami berkecuali"

Kalau ada butang merah untuk pemandu teksi its politics, and despite all the warnings (ala2 the Box) Mak had just pushed that one.

ADDENDA: Bila dipikir kan balik, pakcik teksi tu lagaknya macam KJ dalam Meter. Huahahaha.

*Aku pernah sekali sewaktu menunggu bas di KLCC melihat dengan mata dan telinga sendiri pemandu teksi membuli pelancong asing (aku akui walaupun aku sendiri kurang mesra dengan pelancong asing (kurang senyum dan selalu memberikan direction yang sangat general; KLCC? see that twin towers? that's your general direction) belum pernah terlintas di kepala otak aku untuk meng-capitalizekan ignorance mereka tentang kedudukan geografi KL itu untuk membuat keuntungan). Kepala hotak dia dari KLCC nak ke Ampang Park Rm 10. Sudahlah suka2 hati fix price lepas tu cakap macam lah Ampang Park tu jauh sangat. Mungkin orang sebegini tidak ramai tapi di mata pelancong itu kesialan itu dimultiplykan 10 kali ganda sehingga menampakkan seolah2 kesemua pemandu teksi di Malaysia ini mencekik darah, satu unpardonable sin yang lebih teruk dari memberikan direction yang salah kepada mereka.

I fell asleep, i haven't fallen asleep at this time for quite some time now. Since the semester break began at this time i'd be either sitting in front of my laptop staring at an empty screen or reading things i've read a thousand times before but never before i've fallen asleep at this hour,not even napping.

All around me people are busy with their own stuff, with their own responsibilities. Things to do. Families to attend to. Friends to hang out with, results be damned. Life goes on for them, things like this cuts no ice with them. Not for me. For all the reassurance and the attempted humour at my predicament i keep pinching my face every single day, desperately trying to tell myself that this is a just a long,continuous bad dream and if try hard enough i'd wake up to the smell of freshly fried fish fillet and scrambled eggs accompanied with a holler from Mak trying desperately to rouse me from sleep.

Well, it ain't a dream. Waking up every day itself is a challenge for me, every time i opened my eyes those numbers and letters came mocking me, i'd force myself to wake up for my morning prayers. But then i'd fall right asleep again, hell even if i couldn't i would force myself to fall asleep again for a few hours more. I know i am not supposed to sleep after sunrise. But what can i do when the only relief from the shitty reality is to sail off into a dreamless sleep. There is nothing left for me to do. People can come and look at me and declare "Well, its not as bad as it thought it to be, i've seen worse" Well, fuck them. Fuck you if you have that kind of thought in mind. All the effort through out the semesters to get some decent results and it all comes down to this, all blown to hell.

I woke up with a mild headache, must have been the cushion.

I just want to let all this negativity, all this frustration, all this anger out in the open where it can do no harm to her, to my family, to anybody. I'm tired of being this vessel of hate. I just want to let it out in a non-destructive way. I won't question God, i know He's got something in store for me. He might think this as a joke but i'm not laughing. I'll just have to believe that somehow behind this there is a part for me to play in His Grand Scheme of Things, i'll just have to accept that for now but that doesn't mean that i shouldn't feel anything about all this.

Pendek

Its no dream. The proof? This stabbing headache. Probably the coffee too, tapi hati sedikit senang. Yang di nanti sudah pulang. Welcome home traveler!!!

Cerita

When i was younger i used to care about almost everything, from the climatical changes of the world to the geographical features of Hawaii. World news moved me like telenovelas would to housewives and makciks, I cared about almost everything, but nothing interests me more than history. I cannot for the life of me understand the general dislike for what have happened in the past. They say don't dwell on the past, or the past is the past and look to the future but to me the study of the past is the only way to move forward. The Augurs of ancient Rome, look upon the flight pattern of the pigeons released from their cages, that's studying the past to foretell the future for you. Yes sir, despite the many misgivings for dwelling on the past, the past and the future is irrevocably intertwined with each other, like a siamese twin. And so the lack of appreciation with the past saddens me, Man by its very nature are forgetful and are in constant need of reminding and our ancestors knew this and you might say knowing this they make up oral traditions which when came the time for their sons and daughters replace them as the new torchbearers of civilization, they saw stories inadequate to hold all the collective memories of things past hence the idea of writing and later on books. Stories, set on paper. And you people call it boring.

The true meaning of history only came to me when i for the first time ever opened the Form 1 history textbook. I could not remember the exact page nor how the paragraph went but it did define history through the etymological study of the various words that denotes for most, the true meaning of boredom. I was at that time mystified with the English term which corresponds with the meaning of sejarah. It seemed all too simple of a word, so common to me that i never thought of why it is called the way it is. His-Story. As simple as that. A long dead dude's outlook of things long past. A record of the achievements and failings of fellow Man.

Excuse my over-enthusiasm, but for me the narration of things past comes alive in my head, the events, all the people, they come alive. In my head. Perhaps it is due to an over-active imagination but when i read the history books its not mere empty words that my eyes are seeing, its a whole lost world recreated with the voice of the long dead dude narrating it. It could be the reason why i enjoy history when all others see it to be nothing more than potent sleeping pill.

Why the rambling about history all of the sudden?

Because i Muhammad Amir Bin Sharipuddin have made history today with my academic result and not surprisingly it is not one of triumph, though i could really use some right about now. But take it the other way, it is a record breaker of a sort, and a heart breaker too. But nonetheless, things being as they are i am more convinced that my dear old Mak is again right to the letter, life is like a tire, and right now its on a downward roll with all these string of bad lucks,negativity and near misses this past few months. However, the silver lining in this cumulus nimbus cloud of mine is that what goes down will come up again, eventually (its a tire thing) provided there's someone to push it (that'll be me). Today's crushing disappointment will go down in my personal,unwritten(save for this), unpublished history and dwell upon it i will as with all histories until it drowns me in the deepest depth of self-deprecation and self-loathing until it finally scalds and burn me up inside to try and erase this mark of shame upon my face for history it is indeed but it sure as hell is not the end of my story.

Tersurat/tersirat

Seingat aku dulu Mak pernah cakap, ada benda yang buku tidak boleh ajar. Benda-benda yang abstract, humanistic kerana sebagaimana versatil pun sesuatu buku itu benda-benda yang di ajar hanya lah limited kepada benda yang tersurat, boleh diukursukat, yang teknikal. Well, today i'm reading one on one of the things you said that books can never teach me and best of all, its your book ma.

Aku Neanderthal

aku tak bersuara bukan bermaksud aku tiada pedapat.

A Question of Time

It crossed my mind once, the thought to put it all in writing and stop wasting my time and energy on bridging this chasm. A creation not of the earth's crust but of my own devising. Leave them to decode the meaning. Building a bridge over an imposing stretch of nothingness that was not there before is no small feat. Foundations must be dug, plans must be drawn up, if you can't move the earth you bridge it.

Digging is an exhausting business, so is explaining, verbalizing, devising the plans. I would not be surprised if both side of the chasm would throw their hands in the air and went for a drink when things turn to shits. It is never easy but it ain't hard either, just a little time-consuming and taxing on the patience department. The most basic human nature is to endure and persevere.

I've got all the time in the world and by God above i'd scrape whatever perseverance & patience this frail soul can give.

Iklan

Iklan lama Arwah Yasmin Ahmad yang tak sampai seminit tapi paling bermakna.

Saintis

Not the best video quality but this is one of my favourite songs by Cold Play. Mellow and yeah, the lyrics is a bit ..well , nevermind.

Kaki

Just came back from an all day walkabout.

Ok, maybe not an all day one lah since i spent like 5 hours in the Pavilion.

But then again, its been a great while since i've walked around the familiar places of the city and my, how i have grown softer and softer these days..

From the hustle and bustle of the rush hour traffic choking the streets to the time they call the graveyard shift where you can lie down on the road itself and never worry of being run over by anything, by God there is nothing better and uplifting to the soul other than to put one foot after another firmly on the ground. I missed it. I missed going for long walks alone with no one but the city to accompany me. Its an indescribable feeling to walk under the orange glow of the streetlamps with nothing but the sound of your footsteps and the slow hum of the city accompanying you, its.. simply magic.

But of course there's the unsavoury bit, especially the part where i had to walk under the AKLEH to use the pedestrian bridge that went over the Klang River, my only route home for the past 20 years or so. It was dark as a negro's armpit down there and i was reduced to slowly stepping my way one through the blanket of darkness for fear of stepping into a deep hole (the ground there is a bit uneven). But the task was made lighter with the encounter with an otter right before i walked through the darkness. It was a heartwarming thought that proves that perhaps Klang River is en route to recovery as to be able to support such creature, it was no small otter. Under the orange light of the street lamp i mistakenly thought it to be a dog prowling for food but its graceful movement as it slunked away from my presence and the wet sheen its coat gave under the light proved otherwise. Heck,the fella even had the gall to turn his (assuming its a he) every now and then on his way back to the fetid waters of the river to look at me in curiosity, as if questioning what a two-legged creature was doing there at this hour. Sorry old boy, didn't mean to spoil your walk.

The rest of the journey i should say is routine, i am used to a Malay majority area where everything slows down after 9. Except for one coffee shop still holding the fort with nothing but two half asleep customers at one their tables there was no sign of life everywhere. There i was under the familiar orange lights again only this time the hum of the offices and towerblocks were exchanged with the big old trees exhaling their airy breath. It was as still a night can get, that is if you cancel out the rats fighting over scraps of rubbish.

Oh the things you'd notive when you are on foot. Things that you'd never experience after internal combustion usurped the role of pure muscle power.

I intend to enjoy whatever that is left of this holiday come what may and though it might not be spent anywhere fancy i do believe that the best way to spend a break is on foot, on familiar grounds. This is my city, i live here and hopefully, i'll die here.

Freedom Club

I'm sick and tired of all this. This modern life is slowly taking its toll on humanity, on me. The greater the technological leap that we made the further we are from our own humanity, from what really matters the most to us. It starts now, earlier than planned.

Nostalgic

Sometimes i miss my young angry days. At least back in those days it was over something that i've read and it has always been a reason for productivity, unlike nowadays. Its always over something i heard and nothing good came out of it.

Fucking contagious secondhand anger.

Socrates

Masih lagi memikir soalan soalan filosofik seperti kenapa kucing suka makan ikan dan kenapa orang Melayu mesti makan nasi.

Mana la Atan..

And you try to drown your sorrow with a cocktail of new books and old movies which you know that will only delay the pain and not take it away. Its always the same. Time flies and humankind will remain as it is, a group of disconsolate creatures ever addicted to meaningless forms of escapism.

72 hours later.

Common sense dictates that i am supposed to be reading the notes i have gleaned from the god and goddess of law studies yet after two games of table tennis the laziness that came visiting after my International Law paper refused to leave, even after the 3 hours i have spent in cathartic release killing zombies and a day of peace and relaxation today (a wedding and a few hours at home). The terrible day that is my IL paper refuses to leave me, still haunting my dream & wake for it was really an uncanny day (strange dream the night before and unexplained sudden loss of brain power during the paper). Now, after two days here i am, still lazing around. The fact that i have only another 24 hours to cover for both my Association Law and Law of Carriage paper cuts no ice with me, i feel neither fear nor excitement. The only thing in my head now is to head down that LanCafe and finish Left4Dead on hard mode. It seems that them fucken zombies has finally got me.

Its not giving up, its called not giving a fuck. To think that i've wasted one whole semester for a lousy paper which i hope will keep me afloat for next semester. After three papers which successively went from bad to terrible survival is the name of the game now. The chance and hope for glory is long gone now.

So, fuck the exams. Imma gonna wash me socks (again).

Here's a vid to keep y'all occupied.

Sleepgaming

Tanpa sedar aku cuba menge register kan diri untuk LoTR Online cuma untuk sedar sepuluh saat kemudian yang ini semua hanya lah angan-angan yang tidak akan kesampaian.

Fakap nya hidup.

Koboi

Agak-agak kalau nama kes binti nya salah dapat markah tak?

Random

Agak-agak Laptop ni boleh ke main Titan Quest?

Esok perang,

Hingga titisan dakwat yang terakhir.

Itu janji aku.

Selamat Berjuang Komrad Sekalian.

Relapse

Once a troll, always a troll. Always.

In the silence of 2 a.m where all is still except for the washing machine and the horny he-cats i typed

"Ini bukan kerja sastera"

Realiti 2, Amir 0.

Lepas ni aku nak tulis haiku pulak.

Yes yes, i'm going to bed after this.

Redub

Bagaimana lagu dari ini

boleh jadi kepada ini

apeapehal,dedua aku suka..Folk music rulessssssssss!!!!!!!

Haluan hidup

"You can always do creative writing"


Abah memang kool.

Realiti

Kata Pn Normawati;
Awak kena ingat project paper bukan nya buku sejarah,bukan nya novel yang memerlukan bahasa yang indah. What we need is short and concise sentences.


..In other words, aku long winded sangat.




Strike one for Reality.

Damnation.

Belenggu formaliti dan tali gantung tradisi. Bila seteru duduk semeja, purgasi. Itu jawapan nya.

Between the Lines

Kan hidup itu mudah sebenarnya. Mengapa perlu complicate kan segala nya?

Tatkala Tidur itu Mustahil

Tidur 3 jam malam semalam. Kawad sudah makan pun sudah tidur yang nyenyak masih enggan bertandang,bahana kopi setengah cawan. Maka kembali bekerja dan sedang aku cari definisi constitution terjumpa ini;

Constructive Desertation

Behaviour by one spouse causing the other to leave the matrimonial home. If the behaviour is so bad the party who leaves is forced to do so,it is the spouse who stays behind who is considered,in law to have deserted, and not the spouse who actually left. A petition for divorce may therefore be brought after two years on the ground of desertation by the spouse who remained behind.

Bak kata Kaffi; Horrro dowh.,

Manusia Merancang Tuhan Menentukan

Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger

Tentang Perut dan Buluh Runcing.

Sebenarnya ada 2 entry sebelum ni yang maseh dalam proses ditulis sebelum perut ku berkonspirasi untuk menjatuhkan aku semenjakduamenjak ini. Akan tetapi, 2 entry itu boleh disimpan dahulu kerana aku rasa kan apa yang tertulis disini lebih time sensitive in nature (dan juga setelah diambilkira faktor perut aku yang memainkan lagu-lagu Mogwai).

Some old fart once said that the shortest route to happiness is through one's stomach dan apa yang si tua ganyut itu lupa untuk katakan adalah the shortest way to long term suffering is also through one's stomach. Secara jujur nya aku tidak tau apa penyebabnya, ada kemungkinan berlaku sedikit clash of jurisdiction diantara laksa johor dan briani sec 11 (entah mana kedai nya aku pun tak tau,belakang Darul Ehsan kata aunty Mizah)yang aku meriah baham bersama bonda tersayang di rumah aunty Mizah. Boleh jadi juga bahan makanan yang aku makan di Seminar Pencegahan Jenayah* pada hari yang sama. Apa yang pasti sekarang adalah sebaik saja pulang dari open house Aunty Mizah aku telah selamat memuntahkan kembali segalanya dalam kadar yang mak Chimang gelar "projectile vomitting". Selepas muntah buat kali keduanya pada pukul 3 pagi everything went downhill. Yang naik cuma lah suhu badan ku. Di kala tidak sehat itu aku masih sempat pulang sebentar ke rumah untuk mengambil baju melayu ku yang tertinggal dan juga untuk singgah sebentar ke rumah Chimang dimana selepas diagnosis oleh mak Chimang aku dijemput untuk melantak di meja makan keluarga mereka yang memang mewah dengan lauk dikala aku cuak untuk makan dengan berat.

Dan sekarang perutku meminta-minta untuk dibebaskan dari sakit ini.

Cerita tentang perut, aku tertarik untuk mengeluarkan 2 sen pendapat aku tentang isu maling-pendet-rendang yang ditimbulkan oleh orang seberang selat kita itu (Selat Melaka, bukan Selat Tebrau). Katanya kita kaki meniru, tak berbudaya dan hanya pandai mencuri kemudian mengaku [insert apa2 yang di disputekan origin nya disini] itu kita yang punya. Paling aku marah bila rendang itu mereka kata itu mereka yang punya. Aku tidak kisah kan kalau mereka yang konon-konon nya ultra-nasionalis itu ingin kan kembali tempe itu. Ambik lah,biar lah hidup aku kosong,biar lah lontong mak aku di tiap pagi raya kosong tanpa rasa tempe. Aku akur jika itu yang orang seberang maukan akan tetapi bila rendang pun mau kau claim engkau punya itu sudah melampau, they have just pushed the big red button.

Kepala hotak anda yang botak lantaran menghisap banyak kretek yang rendang itu sememangnya 100% made in indonesia. Enough is enough la, segala benda mau di claim engkau yang punya.

Mungkin sebenarnya akal-akal mereka yang sibuk mau mengacu buluh runcing dan meniup juju pada rakyat Malaysia yang sebilangan besar nya ignorant itu tertutup pada fakta yang budaya itu adalah interchangeable, akan turut dibawa bersama kemana saja angin perdagangan bertiup dan diwarisi oleh si pedagang/migrant2 ini. Aku tak ingat the specific fact but it is agreed upon by most historian that noodles and the eating implement better known as chopsticks came from ancient China. Ada kau nampak orang-orang China baling telur kat kedutaan Korea dan Jepun,buat roadblock,sibuk asah buluh runcing sebab rakyat dua negara mata sepet ni makan mee dan guna bendealah yang sama untuk makan? Lagi satu contoh best, lasagna. Bila ada cookbook orang kampung Izmil yang mengatakan mereka selalu aja menghidangkan loseynes yang deskripsi dan bahannya sikitlebihkurang sama dengan lasagna moden pada King Richard III (around 1390s) kedutaan Itali cuma mengeluarkan statement yang meng-refute-kan fakta itu sebelum memunggah library mereka untuk mencari bukti yang Italian Lasagna lebih tua dari variant British nya lantas membuatkan nya sebagai granddad kepada semua lasagna termasuk jenis British. Aku takda dengar berita follow up yang ada ultra-nationalist Itali yang sibuk pegi asah pike pusaka dan ugut nak invade Britain.

Because rational,civilized people won't be worked up over such issues. Paling busuk yang orang akan buat ialah untuk meng-refute-kan kembali apa claim orang lain keatas benda yang mereka rasakan hakmilik negara mereka dengan mengeluarkan fakta yang kredible dan membiarkan dunia untuk menghakimi claim siapa yang paling probable. Tetapi situasi yang sama tidaklah boleh dikatakan dalam hubungan Malaysia-Indonesia. Dispute isu lagu Rasa Sayang dah mau mengamuk, apekebodoh la..

Apa yang aku nampak dari episod ini (Tempe-rendang-pendet-Nirmala Bonat-Manohara-Sipadan dan lain-lain) adalah satu perasaan kecewa yang tersimpan dalam lubuk hati sebahagian besar rakyat Indonesia dengan negara mereka secara amnya. Mungkin mereka merasakan bahawa kerajaan mereka itu sangat ineffective dalam merealisasikan Indonesian Dream mereka (kau ingat apa?Amerika je ade American Dream?)yang berlandaskan prinsip Pancasila. Deep down inside mereka tahu yang negara mereka itu tidak merealisasikan potensi mereka yang sebenar2 nya, mereka tahu dengan pimpinan yang betul pelbagai benda yang mereka mampu capai, mungkin hantar angksawan ke orbit seperti di dalam video Sheila on Seven yang entah apa title nya (Iya, se-anti2 aku dengan mereka dari seberang itu tidak bermaksud aku tidak mencuba untuk mendalami pemikiran mereka. Kata Sun Tzu; Know your enemy).Kekecewaan demi kekecewaan datang melanda, lepas Bung Karno si Suharto dan konco2nya yang giat menyonglap khazanah negara kemudian ditambah pula dengan masalah etnik yang berbilang yang tiap satu nya mau berkuasa, dengan ekonomi nya yang kacau bilau sampai perlu berhutang dengan IMF. Weak government,even weaker economy, beritau aku rakyat mana yang takkan merasa kecewa dan marah?

Hinggakan dibutakan oleh amarah (mungkin media mereka yang suka mengapi2kan jugak satu faktor), main bantai saja siapa yang dapat dicekup. Mangsanya kita lah. Negara yang sikitlebihkurang historical beginings dan ethnic makeup yang enggan menyertai Melayu Raya gagasan Sukarno dan rakan2 dan kini jauh lebih maju,berjaya,hensem bergaya dan paling penting;dok seberang selat je. Mana hati tak panas beb....

Maka datang lah segala claim2 yang kalau difikirkan sangat absurd sebenarnya.

Atau mungkin sebenarnya rakyat Indonesia itu plainly speaking bongok sebenarnya dan aku tak perlu nak justifykan betapa awesomenya negara aku ini. Haih.

Napoleon said patriotism is when your country is always right, my stance is kinda like the same; my country is always right and is always awesome at doing it (especially when its with our Southerly neighbour).

Bendera nak datang invade Malaysia? Mungkin akan ada rakyat Malaysia yang akan lari,mungkin ada yang akan bersekongkol dan paling berpotensi akan ramai yang buat bodo aja but not me. Nak rasa cangkul arwah datuk aku? Lai la turun Keramat. Aku sambut kau,with all the hospitality the Klan has to offer.

Kau boleh claim banyak benda tapi satu benda kau memang takboleh nak claim adalah rendang yang sekian lama nenek aku buat itu hak engkau 100%.

* Dengan penuh bangga aku ingin katakan bahawa aku telah berjaya memberikan tabik yang sangat spring kepada Datuk KPN dan juga kepada Datuk Seri Ibrahim Abu Shah. Datuk KPN Selangor membalas kembali tabik hormat aku akan tetapi yang paling membanggakan adalah bila aku dapat bersalaman dengan Dato Seri Tan Seri Ibrahim Abu Shah, aku salam dengan VC weiiiii!!!!!

Cita2

Simpan duit, pi backpack thru Europe, stop over somewhere in France and enlist in the fucking Foreign Legion.

Note To Self #2

Rabbits can generate great deal of money. Just think of the pelts, satays and not to mention bulk sales to the big pharmaceutical companies. Thanks to the missus for the idea.

Rendang arnab.

Hmmm....

Bila hati yang satu itu remuk redam dan kau tahu apa sebab nya,

Bila mengalir air mata dan kau tahu siapa punca nya

Dan bila perkataan yang satu itu juga sudah hilang maksudnya, bila keadaan rosak dan kau tiada lah tau membaiki nya.

Apa yang kau lakukan? Apa yang akan kau lakukan?

Duduk nun tinggi di kayangan di teman angin malam memikir segala.

Rambut mungkin sama hitam tapi hati manusia bukan LCD. Tak terduga, misterius, the last frontier dan aku tidak tahu bagai mana mau menaut kembali luka-luka, menghilang bisa di dada membina kembali jambatan yang ranap. Aku tidak tahu, melainkan dengan perkataan yang satu itu.

Maaf.

Bulan mengambang tetapi malam tetap suram.

A cave deep in the spine of the continent.

An old stub of a candle re-lit to light the way. Books rearranged and dust swept up. Dry twigs and limbs crackled gaily in the hearth. Home again? or a brief respite from the confusing world outside? The kettle whistled, begging to be united with the dry leaves in the teapot. Clumsy fingers spooning precious sugar. The sweet nectar of life giving off its lively scent to the dead empty space. A cup and saucer, an old yellowing volume with a feather to mark the page, a cozy couch by the hearth. Is this home?

Is this home when the heart is no longer in the cave?

Independence Day

Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan atas kertas yang ke 52.

May our ancestors forgive us for what we have become.

Sejam bersama Dr Irwin

Aku cuma terfikirkan apa yang terlintas di dalam kepala nya tiap kali mengadap anak-anak Melayu di dalam kelasnya di universiti affirmative action ini.

Aneroksia Nervosa

Kepala ku berdenyut-denyut, mau meletup gamaknya lantaran lemau disudukan teori penjagaan motokar dari pagi tadi (iya, technological leap bagi troll seperti aku). Kata nya kursus amali tapi langsung tiada hands on approach pun. Selama 6 jam -+ aku hanya di tayangkan presentation power point yang kononnya ingin membentuk pemandu-pemandu yang berhemah, turut serta membantu kursus pada hari ini adalah set-set gambar dan video perlanggaran/kecelakaan/kelahanatan/kefakapan jalan raya yang aku kira agak berkesan untuk menurunkan morale mereka-mereka yang berkobar2 semangat mahu memandu. Ye, we get the message. Don't drink and drive, rest when you're tired and stop at red *cough*. Sheesh.

Aku mengharapkan amali sebelah petangnya akan menjanjikan sesuatu yang menarik akan tetapi hampa. Kelas amali kami di lakukan di bawah sebuah pondok dimana kumpulan-kumpulan mengikut instructor masing-masing akan di ajar asas penjagaan kereta seperti menge-check minyak hitam, air radiator, air bateri, apa yang mau di buat kalau tayar pancit, the works lah basically. Namun begitu, dengan takdir Allah aku telah diberikan kepada seorang instructor tua yang bernama Pakcik Omar yang suka bercerita tentang betapa mudah nya membuat lesen memandu kereta di zaman nya. Make no mistake, aku memang suka dengar orang tua bercerita tapi kenapa kau nak cerita pasal zaman kau dulu takde driving schoollll!!! walhal instructor disebelah dah sampai ajar anak2 murid beliau sambil mengatal2 (maklumlah anak murid semua perempuan) tukar tayar dah. Sedar akan beliau sebenarnya membebel seorang diri dan mata anak-anak murid nya semuanya tertumpu ke demonstrasi menanggal tayar di sebelah, barulah Pakcik Omar membuka hood kereta dan mula bercerita tentang segala isi perut nya, without the practicals. Tepat pukul 3.50 pakcik yang sampai ke sudah aku tak tau namanya datang dan selepas me-thumbprintkan kedatangan ku aku pun pulang meninggalkan sekolah memandu sek25 itu. Setibanya di Sek2, selepas melunaskan bayaran buat kali ketiganya, aku turun kebawah dengan niat ingin melihat juadah di bazaar ramadhan akan tetapi kepala aku yang berdenyut melihatkan makanan nan berbagai tiba-tiba makin berdenyut melihatkan ninja-ninja yang berkeliaran. Bagaikan mau mengingat aku yang berhimpit-himpit di khalayak ramai itu bukan lah suatu idea yang menarik sebenarnya. Babi memang terbang sekarang ini ya saudara Teddy dan bukan sahaja terbang malah mampu membunuh.

Maka pulang lah aku ke Teratai dengan lemah longai sambil cuba mengingat satu benda pelik yang menganggu fikiran aku tentang berpuasa di Teratai ini. Dan setibanya di bilik jawapan nya datang padaku, dining hall kini tiada lagi untuk menyinari sahur penghuni-penghuni Teratai. Itu lah, bila ada makanan subsidi dulu kau gatal pegi makan kat luar, bila dah takde baru lah mau bising. Kan dah kopak. Haih. Dan, ini lah hasilnya; post karut memikirkan apa yang bakal mengenyangkan si setan bernama perut ini untuk waktu sahur nanti. Mungkin toast dengan kaya sama air teh ? Hmmm..

By the bye , kepada partner in crime saya di Level 7. Iya, memang itu lah yang terlintas di minda saya pagi tadi sebenarnya tetapi kamu tidak mengiyakan lantaran itu membuatkan saya kurang resolute yang itu lah jawapan yang tepat. Walaubagaimanapun, doa saya makbul, saya bukan lagi makhluk asing bagi kamu.

Puasa

At the time i am typing this down it has been like what..2- 3 times since the purely innocent thought of getting myself a cold drink from the fridge crossed my mind but the hollow feeling down at that trollish gut of mine reminded me of the fact that it is the first day of Ramadhan already, and a strange one at that.

Regardless of our age Ramadhan will always be a time to adjust ourselves to that new state of piety and remembrance for the suffering of our brothers and sisters, for some it is a mountain of a challenge to keep themselves from opening that fridge (young and old alike) and most challenging of all; to not pick those gaping apertures which would always for no apparent reason itch even more than normal when its Ramadhan.

For some, it is a time to adjust themselves to a new setting. Wives without their husband to drive them to the surau, Sons and daughters without their father to break the fast with. A quiet Ramadhan, no doubt will descend upon these houses. A quiet one, perhaps a bit more it will be in my house now that there can be no furs sticking to the sofa nor a would a jingling of the keys elicit any response. We all adjust, we all move on. Giving and taking is in the natural order of things and this month, this time for prayers and rituals is all for us to give and for Him to take. Him alone.

I wish all those reading this Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan Al-Mubarak dan Selamat Berpuasa. May God bless you all in this holy month.

Benda-benda diperlukan dengan kadar segera.

Dalam hidup ini ada keperluan dan kemahuan, sebahagian besar hidup manusia itu revolve di atas dua benda ini. Aku dalam keadaan serba-serbi konfius dan terganggu emosi ini cuba menyenaraipendek kan segala keperluan dan idaman hati aku (i tend to get confused over both) from the past 2 weeks . Maaf entry aku sedikit rojak. Kapasiti pemprosesan bahasa otak aku agak corrupted ini malam. Anyway, here's the list of my wants and needs.

1. Lesen Memandu (Penuh). Aku dah letih jadi penumpang yang di pandu ke sana kemari dan aku ingin memandu.

2. Payung saiz Jumbo (preferably with a tartan pattern), sepertimana yang aku pernah miliki suatu ketika dahulu. Aku sumpah siapa makhluk yang simpan tak geti nak pulang payung aku tu tujuh keturunan dia kencing malam.

3. Pen Kilometriko (medium point, biru dan hitam), dalam kuantiti yang banyak. Mentang-mentang la pen aku cikai je habis semua lesap kena kebas.

4. Sudu. Stok makanan sudah sampai tahap boleh survive nuclear winter tapi sudu walau sebatang pun takdak ini bilik. Haih.

5. Buku nota kecil. Paling kritikal, yang lama-lama, yang tinggal 5-6 page semua sudah di decommissioned kan dengan terhormatnya jadi buku akaun bisnes krepek aku.

6. Peta National Geographic untuk area Central Europe. Untuk menghias softboard bilik yang agak hambar dan... untuk kegunaan sendiri.

7. Topeng, preferably yang ni:

SG2Rev0202 (Malaysian made maa..). Ketakutan kepada virus selsema porkchop hampir mencapai tahap paranoia, ninja2 makin berkeliaran. Cuma UiTM yang kekedekutan mau mengedar topeng muka, tak mau bikin panik pada public konon.

8. Sandal saiz 11 berkualiti dan yang dijahit, bukan nya di gam. Aku ulang sekali lagi, sandal yang berjahit, bukan nya yang digam. Peduli apa aku kalau gam abad ke 21 ini mampu melekatkan kembali anggota badan yang putus, atau mampu menampal lubang mikroskopik di Stesen Angkasa Antarabangsa, yang aku tahu sandal itu nature nya adalah di jahit bukan nya di gam. Kepala Bata dia sandal main gam-gam. Gam itu hanya lah untuk kerja sekolah rendah atau untuk menampal kupon aktiviti ke kad aktiviti kolej, bukan untuk membina sepasang sandal (atau terma Melayu nya, capal) yang boleh digunapakai untuk kehidupan seharian aku yang lasak.

9.Finally dan paling penting sekali, aku perlukan rambut ini untuk tumbuh kembali, urgently. Zaman skinhead aku telah berakhir, same goes for my old selfish ways.

Aku tak mintak dengan sesapa pun semua benda ni, boleh aja diusahakan sendiri cuma tangan sedikit gatal mau menaip. Oh, jika anda membaca ini tahniah. You are on the list.

Mr Shine

I am fire. I am the fox that stole the burning branch that set the world afire.

I am the all cleansing and all consuming fire.

Heat caroused through my veins and sparks flew from my touch.

I am on fire. Let all be lit and set aflame.

All will burn with righteous fury.

Lighting up the dark,

Banishing fear and doubt.

Away with misfortune,

The guiding light.

God above, i beseech thee.

Let there be fire.

Odyssey

Aku penat, yang terbuku di hati tak tergambar dek perkataan.
Penat mata yang memandang, letih telinga yang mendengar lagi perit hati yang menanggung. Aku tau. Penat aku menanggung. Biar di panggil selfish, biar di keji.

Malas, aku malas mau menerang segala yang dibuat. Bukan untuk telinga manusia yang mendengar, bukan untuk kalian faham.
Biar Dia seorang saja yang faham, Biar Dia saja yang tau. Biar Dia yang menyelesai.
Jangan dicari aku waktu ini. Aku mau berjalan.

I Stopped and Looked Back, All I See Is Darkness

Every one, every single one of us used to have this clear cut picture of what kind of person we would be when we are grown up back when the innocence of childhood was still deep within us. Loyal, honest, hardworking and the list goes on but when faced with the reality of this dog-eat-dog world how much of that values instilled, that idealism remained? Do we still cling stubbornly to that expectations of old, to the principles that we are used to? Or did we change imperceptibly, slowly without we noticing it until by the time that we knew of it, it is already too late to turn back and we are left with what we are now, stranger even to our ownselves.

Tentang Cuti, Babi dan Membaca

Two days, nay, make it five days ago the moment i came out of my Family Law class i was immediately greeted with the rumour that Big Brother has imposed a quarantine order on the campus effective immediately. The rumour that began like a faint fart gained momentum until word came down the grapevine from those who are the part of the system that a 5 day quarantine order has indeed been imposed in the guise of an early semester break (bollocks if you ask me). Without even waiting for the reason for the quaratine order the crowd upon hearing this fell into a mad scramble to leave the campus en masse, girls especially. I have to say that any normal person would look to this sudden, uncalled for semester break with great cynicism, nothing is freely given in this world and i was right, whether the rest of the jubilant crowd realizes this or not we've just had our Raya Break cum study week cut down to only 3 days. A deal with the Devil it was.

3 freaking days!!

There won't be enough time to stuff myself with the Grandmaster's rendang before franticly trying to memorize the tons of notes i would have accumulated by then. Its a blasphemy!! an unforgiveable insult to all sober, right thinking members of society who dearly love Hari Raya. Only problem is, everyone is too busy enjoying the uncalled for semester break to worry for more important things like rendangs and study week. Its all them pigs fault, yes, blame them pink and snouted pets of the majority of the world population for all this mess.


On the other hand, in the daze of the launch night not too long ago, i have inadvertently said yes to a proposition that requires me to read in front of public (more like a bunch of artsy-fartsy hardcore Opposition supporters) at Seksan last saturday and read in front of a crowd i did though, i could have done better than what i did that evening. It washowever, a good way to get to know the literati crowd which to some extent did make me feel slightly out of place with all the person i only know by name and the dizzying mix of personalities present there. I may be already out of the cave and trading but mingling around, is just not my cup of tea, yet.
The missus who was present at the occasion remarked, "i never knew you've got an accent" I didn't realize it meself, must have picked it up from all those Tamil lecturers and teachers. Sharon Bakar who got it all together praised my rather feeble attempt at trying to read out parts of my essay to the already restless crowd(i was the last person to read) but one thing she said got stuck that soft spot in my noggin. I'm still trying work it whether its a compliment or whether its a polite way to say that the essay is a tad too draggy.

Right. Perhaps i should lose the accent

Sorry the blog is not as well kept as it was before, i'm too lazy to sit in front of the pc clicking the refresh button repeatedly while my curses to Screamyx and Maxis becomes a backgournd muzak. It does things to your head.

Alam dan Manusia

"By understanding many things.. i have accomplished nothing"

-Grotius-

Hairi (bukan nama sebenar)

Walaupun aku lihat diri aku sebagai seorang peminat J.R.R Tolkien yang rabid, secara am nya aku tidak ada masalah dengan Harry anak si Potter, aku tidak merasa takjub mahupun hairan yang si Harry itu adalah the chosen one mahupun aku merasa cuak atau gentar yang Voldemort bebas berkeliaran itu telah berjaya menceraiberaikan jiwa nya ke beberapa ketul yang tersembunyi di sana-sini untuk menjamin keabadian hidupnya. Yang aku geram kan ialah apabila cermin mata bulat ala John Lennon itu sekarang selalu sahaja di associatekan dengan si Harry (kenapa la J.K Rowling buat dia rabun, tak boleh ke dia ada 20/20 vision? tak pun pakai contact lenses)

Apa-apa pun, setelah melihatkan si Harry dalam filem terbarunya dan setelah melihatkan panggung senyap sunyi ketika Dumbledore mati di abdacadabra(betul ke ejaan ni?) Snape, timbul sedikit minat untuk menyelak kembali buku Harry Potter yang pernah seketika dulu aku pegang di Borders dulu (selak duatiga muka sahaja sebelum aku tewas dengan S.M Stirling).

Iya, kali ini Harry sudah besar panjang dan tema nya sudah lebih gelap dari filem-filem yang sebelum ini. Kepada mereka yang merasakan siri Harry Potter (filem, bukan buku ya. Aku masih belum terpanggil untuk baca buku2 nya) itu adalah fantasi, CGI dan wand-waving action semata2 mungkin akan cepat bosan, but not me. Count me in when the last movie comes out next year. I may have contracted the Potter bug.

Dan

..apabila engkau mula mem-banging kan kepala mengikut alunan muzik dan pulang dengan telinga yang separa pekak dan tengkuk yang sengal-sengal engkau tahu yang muzik aku dengar itu bukan nya picisan dan orang Jepun itu mula menjajah semula tanah Semenanjung ini. (No need to thank me, i know i have good musical taste)

.. bila engkau pulang ke bilik yang sekian lama terputus dari hubungan luar (dan tak putus-putus melempar carutan demi carutan kepada Ananda Krishnan dan syarikatnya) untuk mendapati modem Maxis terletak di tempat paling tinggi di bilik (umpama altar gamak nya, cuma kekurangan colok dan limau dua tiga biji) dengan cable-cable LAN yang menyemakkan engkau tahu yang bilik kau dihuni oleh sekumpulan Netjunkie. (FaceBook itu addictive, aku tahu. Usah tipu diri kau dengan alasan ini semua untuk kerja)

..bila jerebu sedikit mengaburi penglihatan kau sewaktu dalam perjalanan ke kelas pagi tadi engkau tahu yang jiran kau diseberang itu bongoknya tidak dapat dibantu lagi.

..bila suasana petang di Seksyen 1 ini terasa seperti berada di Gurun entahmana engkau tahu yang bisnes menjual air itu akan menjadi lebih hit dari biasa tiba bulan puasa nanti.

..bila engkau mula berhubung dengan supervisor project paper engkau dan melihatkan junior yang kehulu dan kehilir berbaju black and white dengan kad matrik oren tergantung dileher menyemak di right of way engkau, kau terasa diri ini sudah tua (sangat).

..bila melihatkan kucing-kucing di level ini sudah hilang gene bulu kuning keorenan nya dan Atan sudah 2 semester menghilangkan diri (sudah mati barangkali) engkau tahu yang masa sudah lama berlari meninggalkan kau dan kini tiba masa untuk memikirkan kehidupan selepas graduasi (dan LLB, insyaallah).

..bila engkau lihat gambar Big Brother yang dahulunya terpampang di billboard sudah hilang diganti dengan gambar abah (abah kau, bukan abah aku) kau tahu yang masa memang sudah terbang pergi (sial kau Cicero).

Melancholic, i know. How i wish for Time not to move in a straight line.

Offline

To total the days i've spent without any internet connection i'd say it would be around 2 weeks now. Its not that we chose to live offline but rather the circumstances thrust this upon us. Suffice to say that being caught between a crappy ISP (curse you Ananda Krishnan!!) and a promise of wireless connection by the Big Brother that never seemed to come into fruition ain't a nice spot to be in, especially when you had your project paper scheduled to begin next week. Its a really stressful situation to be in when you are already used to be able to look up for anything from your best friend Google or buzz anyone on your friends list via Yahoo Messenger. I am not a Net Addict, i can live offline but that is a choice for me to make in the future, not a thing to be thrusted upon me now in the most critical stage of my studies. By the way, for all who tried to contact me via FB, apologies to you guys. Now that the room is officially offline for some considerable time, life took a new turn for me in some ways. That weekly chessgame between me and my mates is now a daily ritual though i still generally suck at it for i still live by Lord Nelson's dictum, go straight at 'em and the lack of access to my blogs did not dampen my urge to type out nonsense in the middle of the night also, in view to improve my rather ..beautiful handwriting i've even taken the time to write things out in paper along with taking time to really read stuff like i used to do. The Netsavvy troll constantly on the prowl over the Net is now a renaissance man, reading by candle light and delighting in intellectual pursuits, ok maybe no reading by candle light but still the lack of connection to the virtual world in some ways is comforting for life seems to take a slower pace as i have always wished it to be. In some other ways though its a pain in the arse.

By the by, on the issue of FaceBook being blocked by the Admins, it is ironic that they have all the time and means to keep the students (and staffs) from surfing certain sites but didn't have the same enthusiasm to improve the infrastructure of their own websites (the online registration is a total pain in the ass and not to mention the security (the official portal has been hacked back in '08). Very odd indeed. We could use a bit of reliability there now that the number of students have increased, not another stranglehold over our right to associate and to express ourselves.

Oh well, back to my books.

48

"And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,.."

-The Lake Isle of Innisfree, W.B Yeats-

Katarsis

Firstly,

TMNut bodoh and will eternally be so, service upgrade or not. To hell with TMNut and all its subsidiary.

Secondly,

Why the fuck would we ran out of classes for our class registration?

Tali Leher

Kenyang. Setelah memusnah (demolish) mee goreng sama ayam goreng dan peria goreng dari kedai mamak di tingkat bawah, kemudian di lunturkan pula dengan setin air green tea lipton. Sambil mengunyah-ngunyah itu tadi terfikir kehidupan masa hadapan. Ke kerja menaiki LRT sesak (atau mungkin bila mampu, menambah sesak dijalan raya),berkasut hitam berbaju kerja dan bertalileher. Hidup dibatasi kubikel (ada kata, mungkin bilik sendiri tapi lantak lah, yang penting ianya enclosed space),duduk hingga kebas punggung dari jam 9 hingga jam 5, air cond itu pasti. Hingga keras-jari jemari. Punch in, punch out. Day in day out, rutin setiap hari. Rinse and repeat.
Hujung bulan, gaji masuk.
Jadi Salaryman jika ikut terma Jepunnya.

Itu aku?

Mulut berhenti mengunyah seketika, tangan berhenti menyuap.
Hati muda membentak, semestinya tidak. Kerja itu bukan di ofis, kerja itu mudah, tahu-tahu saja duit masuk tiap bulan. By-product Kapitalisme. Duitnya mahu kerjanya malas, sedangkan lupa tiap biji beras, tiap titik fresh oren itu datangnya dari harga menjual jiwa dan raga ibu bapa kita kepada sistem yang mengagungkan wangringgit.

Itu aku?

Makin umur meningkat, makin luntur idealisme muda itu, umpama magma yang dahulunya panas makin menyejuk.

Mungkin.

Tamat

Peperiksaan sudah tamat, mari naik tongkang.

Har har har.

Der Mauer: Part II

Seingat aku dahulu pernah aku tulis..aku tak ingat di mana, di dinding2 secara random barangkali yang aku benci menjugel. Ya, aku tahu menjugel suatu ketika dahulu walaupun aku bukan lah seorang badut. Aku akui dengan berkat edukasi secara paksa aku mampu mengapungkan tiga biji bola akan tetapi itu lah satu-satunya aktiviti yang aku paling benci dalam dunia (selepas mengiron baju). Hanya kerana aku di paksa melakukannya. 

Aku benci menjugel. Jangan sampai aku biarkan bola-bola itu jatuh bertaburan di tanah.

Cause i won't pick it up again.

Happy Labour Day to the workers of the world. 

Try not to set anything on fire, okay?